Surrender to Victory

The following is a journal entry from seven years ago, when Allan and I were engaged. To this day, our dating and engagement period has been the toughest season we have faced in our relationship by far. We were constantly faced with conflicts caused by fears, opposite personalities, and unrealistic expectations, as we learned to communicate and do life together.

This particular entry was written on March 18, 2006.

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6

This is the passage You showed me last night. It has been a very tough battle/challenge these last few days.

I go through a great turmoil when reality doesn’t match my ideal. Relationship is hard. It’s hard to share my life with another imperfect person…and it’s even harder to realize how imperfect I am and have my imperfections be exposed to the other person. It’s hard to face conflicts or disappointments…and to learn how to communicate through them. When conflict happens on a regular basis, I get so exhausted.

I see how pleasant I am around other people (besides him). I realize how much I’ve enjoyed that…and I really miss it. Sometimes I’m hesitant to see him at night or answer his call because I’m afraid the worst part of me will come out again, just because things didn’t go exactly the way I wanted.  This also clashes with my ideal that I shouldn’t feel this way about spending time with my fiancé. This whole challenge clashes with my ideal that I’m not supposed to be such a difficult person to deal with. The cycle just keeps getting worse.

It does, however, bring me back to my knees. I remember that You are always here to rescue me from this endless cycle of doubts, fears, and over-analyzing. I keep coming back to a place of faith. It’s my faith that’s being easily attacked, even intimidated, which is causing all this fear. I come back to the realization that I need more faith. More faith in God, who has never failed me, who promises to never leave me. More faith in Allan, who has stuck by my side so faithfully thus far…who has expressed so much love for God and for me. More faith in this relationship that has been given to us from God, where we can complement each other and glorify God more powerfully together than on our own.  More faith in myself…who, after truly accepting God’s love, have always found my way back to Him. Who, with His help, have been able to endure any trial and challenge without giving up. Who have consistently sought His will and His guidance for me and my future family.

Last night and this morning, You brought me to a place of total surrender. I kept having crazy thoughts of what if the wedding has to be postponed or canceled…how would I face everyone. You reminded me that You’re the only One I ultimately answer to. I have given You full reign over my life. I need to be willing to leave everything in Your hands – the wedding, the marriage, everything. And I must be willing to give it up if You ask me to. It won’t make sense to me at all, but the command to sacrifice Isaac didn’t make sense to Abraham either. But through his faith and total surrender, Your glory was revealed…and You brought the sweetest victory for him. It will be the same for me. I will always choose You, Lord. Everything I have belongs to You. Where You call me to, I will go. What You want to take from me, it’s Yours. What You ask me to do, I’ll do. I long for this kind of heart always. May I always seek Your face.

I desire to hold the gifts You give me with open hands. I want my life to reveal Your glory and goodness. This morning, as I was on my knees, all I could let out with my voice was, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender…everything to You.”

I do surrender all…it’s not I who live, but Christ living in me. May that be true to every part of my being.  I will face every trial necessary, whatever it takes, for me to fulfill Your will and purpose.

My faith, my love, my undying devotion to my God. This is the legacy I desire to leave to my children and for a thousand generations to come. I want them to know that I sought after God with all of my heart…and that I always found Him.

You have brought me an amazing partner to share this journey with. We seek Your guidance, every step of the way.

As I read this and ponder back, I can see that from this place of surrender, God began an amazing work in and through our relationship, which is still unfolding today. As the verse at the beginning says, the seeds of our relationship were sown with tears, and now we are reaping the harvest with indescribable joy. When I give it all to God, He takes it and gives it back a hundred fold. My life is a living example of that…time and time again. I will testify to this truth until my dying breath: surrendering to Jesus always brings the sweetest victory. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. It’s true.

I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.

-hymn attributed to S. Sundar Singh